Parenting Tips Revisited
In my last post I offered some steps parents could take to prevent their children from feeling caught in the middle of a divorce. In response to this post, I received a comment from Steven, who raised several insightful issues:
In response to my suggestion that parents should not “grill” their children, Steven commented:
Doesn't this vary depending on the circumstances? If there is a good chance of abuse at the other parent's home, having the kid discuss it directly with the other parent may not work well.
Steven is absolutely correct on this point. If your child tells you the other parent has been physically abusive, you should contact your attorney immediately if you have an attorney. Otherwise, you should contact The Alaska Network On Domestic Violence And Sexual Assault, which has resources for victims of domestic violence. Your number one priority should be the safety of your child.
In response to my suggestion that parents should not show children copies of the divorce paperwork, Steven commented:
It seems that the age of the child is also important. What is the reasoning behind not showing the children the divorce paperwork? This is probably the most important document affecting the kids' lives and they can't see it? Even if they are 15?
If parents are fighting over the custody of their children, there may be psychological evaluations, affidavits, or a custody investigator’s report to the court about the placement of the children. Affidavits, which are drafted by attorneys, frequently contain stinging barbs and accusations. Psychological evaluations and custody reports may include sensitive information about parents, which if revealed could damage the parent-child relationship. Finally, in a contested custody case, one of the factors the court must consider is the preference of the child. To have a parent go through court documents with a child who has expressed a preference to a psychologist or custody investigator to live with the other parent creates a stressful and potentially emotionally damaging situation for the child.
Even if the parents are only fighting about property, the court documents may still reflect ongoing hostility between the parents. Showing children these court documents does nothing to further the emotional well being of the children.
Finally, parents may have reached an agreement on the division of their property, the custody of the children and child support. It is certainly reasonable to create a calendar, which shows the custody schedule so that parents and children can plan their activities. But the actual court documents usually address not only the custody schedule but also the parties’ financial agreements, including how the parents are going to share uncovered medical expenses and how child support is going to be calculated. The decision to share information about the parents’ financial obligations to each other should be made jointly by the parties. If one parent unilaterally decides to share this information with the children, that parent may have an agenda, which has nothing to do with the children’s best interests.
